a curly hair story
my curly hair story and a open invitation to pick my brain about your curly questions/frustrations :)
As dramatic as it sounds, my curly hair journey was actually a journey back to myself.
It feels so silly to write that and mean it wholeheartedly. That something seemingly so superficial is actually spiritual. Google "spirituality of hair," and you'll find tens of thousands of results from different religions and spiritual references explaining how hair connects you to God, your highest self, your ancestors, etc. Clearly, I am not the only one who feels this way. Maybe it isn’t so superficial, and we have all been conditioned to overlook the magical essence living on top of our heads.
Let’s back it up. My hair is very coarse, thick, and curly. I am white, both my parents are white, and I grew up in a white and Hispanic area. I mention this because no one around me knew what to do with my hair. I got bullied in school and saw hairdressers who made derogatory comments about my hair. My mom didn’t know how to care for it either. I associated my hair with pain because, so far, that was all it had brought me.
My mom was determined to figure out how to care for my hair, and when I was around 11, she found a product line called Ouidad that specialized in curly hair. They also had a specialized cutting technique that was supposed to make the hair easier to manage by thinning it out. Fortunately, we lived a couple of hours away from one of Ouidad's salons, and I was blessed with a devoted mom willing to drive hours just for me to see someone who understood my hair. Shout out to my mom—she really did everything she could think of. At that time, there was no YouTube for her to find tutorials.
So, she scheduled me an appointment. We took a trip up, and I felt like a movie star. The salon was so sleek, and my hairstylist was this beautiful red-headed woman with wavy hair who touched my hair so gently and with such love. I still hated my hair at this time, but I finally felt seen and understood instead of feeling like a burden. The appointment was originally just supposed to be a cut. As my mom was talking to Morgan, the hairstylist, Morgan told her about a relaxing treatment that would change the texture of my hair and make it even more manageable than just the cut.
I was so excited that this treatment existed—something that could permanently change everything I didn’t like about my hair! My mom took some convincing, but she agreed. The process took a few hours and required applying a chemical treatment all over my hair and scalp. You could feel it working; it tingled your scalp in a slightly painful way. I didn’t care, though—I would’ve gone through much worse to achieve the same results. (Spoiler alert: my thoughts and feelings are wildly different today, but we’ll get to that.)
Fortunately, this treatment could be found at salons closer to where I lived and pretty much anywhere, once we knew it existed. I continued getting this treatment every three months until I was 21.
Around this time, I realized that I didn’t really like my hair in its relaxed form. It wasn’t fully straight; it had some kinks and waves and just looked unhealthy. By this time, I didn’t even remember what my natural hair was like, and I never had to care for it myself, so I figured, why not try something new? I felt like I didn’t have anything to lose because I was still so unhappy and insecure with my relaxed hair.
My first step was to stop getting relaxers and let my roots grow out. I did this for close to a year (my hair was looking crazyyyy), then I went to a hairstylist, cut the straight dead ends, and got a weave. I did weaves for about another year while the hair underneath grew to a length where I wouldn’t just have a fro. Not that there’s anything wrong with a fro—I actually would be so down to rock one now—but at that time, I still hated my hair and felt ugly with it in its natural state. Once my hair got close to shoulder length, I took off the weaves and went for it.
At first, I thought I would end up going back to weaves or relaxers. I really could not imagine a world where I felt beautiful wearing the hair that just grew out of my head. I went home and cried at the reality of what my hair was like. It had been close to 10 years since I had seen it. It was dry, brittle, and didn’t have any curl—it was all frizz. I had no idea what products to use, how to detangle it—literally no idea. At 21, I had no idea how to care for my hair. Imagine getting to 21 without knowing how to tie your shoes. That’s what it felt like. Thankfully, a resource I had that my mom did not was YouTube.
I researched for hours on end, learning everything from what porosity my hair was to what products I needed and how to style it. I SLOWLY but surely started to figure out what it needed.
Along the way of trying different products and techniques, I realized I wasn't going to get anywhere if I still, at my core, hated my hair. And I still did. I felt like it was a burden and wanted to know why me, why couldn’t my hair be easy like other girls’ hair was. It was in that moment that I decided to stop using any negative language towards my hair, whether it was out loud or just in my head. This didn’t happen overnight. I had to be patient with myself and super mindful. I had to pause myself when I started to get frustrated and reframe the thought to something positive or at least neutral.
As I started to learn the mechanics of taking care of my hair, I also learned the mindset around taking care of my hair. Only speaking loving words and thoughts. Never blaming it. Embracing it on its most tangly frizzy days as much as I embraced it on its moisturized bouncy days.
Six years later, my hair has grown to mid-back length, and I no longer have to remind myself to speak lovingly about it because I actually love my hair. Despite how much maintenance it is, I am now grateful I have been gifted with such a unique crown.
When I see girls and women who are clearly flat ironing their hair every day or don’t know how to style their curly hair, I really want to talk to everyone of them and give them all the advice that I have learned. But it’s not appropriate to give strangers lessons on their own hair. So I wrote this, hoping it finds the girls and women that need to read it. I love talking about hair, so I am always open to any questions! Don’t be afraid to slide into my DMs—I am here to help any and all curly girlies!